episode i; in which we meet eileen

eileen is a strange old bird. i can only guess she is in her late 70s to somewhere in her 80s. in the early afternoon of most every day she scuttles into the pub and orders a gin martini or a straight scotch or a manhattan (sometimes she will have two). it had better be filled to the rim of that glass or she’ll call you on the carpet for it. oh, i forgot to mention when she scuttles in it is my opinion she’s already loaded. who knows though? no one does really. i don’t even think she does. she resides in another universe and it’s not one you would ever wish to visit. now you may think me cruel for picking on the elderly. no, believe me i’m not. you’ve not met eileen.

coincidentally, she started coming into the pub round about the time aristotle came to work there as a bartender. i think eileen had a crush on him in the beginning. he was in his early 20s at the time but it mattered not. he was tall and of mediterranean descent, intelligent and a good conversationalist. it didn’t matter to her if the bar was three deep with people or no one was there at all. she would NOT leave aristotle alone. i used to take great joy watching her torturing him (i never said i was a nice person).

i am going to make up some cards (business card size) that say ‘please avoid direct eye contact with this woman’. i’m then going to pass them out to the non-regular pub customers when she appears. i didn’t know her when she was 20 but rest assured i KNOW she was raving back then too. you can just tell she was always a pain in the ass. if you make the error of looking eileen directly in the eyes, she will take control of your mind. it doesn’t matter if you’re with people or not, she will just butt in and NOT leave. she walks from table to table and booth to booth and imposes herself upon others. she decides what you want to hear and when. she will not go away until SHE is ready. bartenders and waitresses have warned her off of customers who were attempting to eat. she skittles away for a moment, and then suddenly reappears at the effected party’s table like nothing happened. i must be honest and say you really aren’t safe if you keep your head down either. when she’s on her missions she will seek you out and tattoo your souls with her words. she speaks in a high squeaky crackly voice. she tells many of the same stories over and over again. she will tell you why she doesn’t like football any longer (it has something to do with the 300 pound players) or how she took a cruise to cuba in the 50s or her take on the current administration (she and i agree on that but she and i do NOT speak, EVER). she will tell you she doesn’t like your haircut. she will tell you she thinks you’re a slut (eileen doesn’t use the word slut but you sure get the gist of what she’s calling you). she will tell you your ass is too big and not blink an eye. eileen has NO problem correcting what she thinks are ALL of your faults.

Look for chapter ii in which Eileen sets the newspaper on fire (on two DIFFERENT occasions)
look for chapter iii in which eileen comes in with a black eye
look for chapter iv in which eileen assaults two Jamaican dudes (with words) and a woman that works for them


(note: all names have been changed)