Jesus Denounces McCain, Endorses Obama
Posted by Brad Jacobson
In a stunning turn of events Thursday, the Son of God endorsed Barack Obama for President while rejecting and distancing himself from presumptive Republican nominee John McCain.
Outside an Applebee's off the New Jersey Turnpike in Paramus yesterday, Jesus Christ told reporters, "Look, it's been a very divisive primary season between Barack and Hillary. I thought my support would aid the healing process and help unify the Democrats."
Asked if he was a registered Democrat, Jesus replied, "I'm actually registered with the Green Party. But no amount of faith and prayer will get their candidate elected." Christ clarified, "I perform miracles, but there are limits."
Why come out against John McCain?
"You don't have to be the Son of God to prophecy McCain wants to carry out Bush's third term," said Jesus, wearing a flag pin affixed to his traditional white robe. "Incidentally, maybe one of you guys can tell David Brooks there isn't a salad bar at Applebee's. Schmuck."
Later in the day, before Jesus took the stage to endorse the Illinois senator at a campaign rally in Arlington, VA, Obama said, "Well, I'm certainly not perfect, and I won't be a perfect president. Michelle has told me throughout the primary season, "'You're not the Second Coming, Barack.' And though she's right, I am proud and honored to tell you today that Jesus is by my side in this campaign for the White House. And I'm not speaking figuratively, Arlington. Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from the celestial realm, the Prince of Peace, the Mack Daddy of Nazareth, the original change agent - you know him, you love him, many of y'all even pray to him - let's give it up for Je-suuuuuuus Christ!"...............